Sunday, December 16, 2012

Am I Trans Enough For You Baby?

The question 'Am I trans enough?' seems to be depressingly common among we trans folk. Natalie Reed and Ami recently had a conversation about this on Twitter.Natalie said the doubts about rather she was 'really' trans delayed her transition about twelve years. I my case doubts about how trans I was were a major contributor to my ten year delay in coming out to myself and actually transitioning.

These doubts are aggravated by our oh so cis normative culture are dangerous to express as so many gatekeepers will see them as a sign that you aren't trans and deny you access to necessary medical care. It gets worse when you're gender queer. Telling many therapists that you feel gender fluid or between genders will get you dismissed as 'not serious' and not 'really trans' almost immediately, I have been lucky in that my therapist  accepts my gender as valid because it is mine.  That still hasn't quelled the self doubts that always lurk in the back of my mind and help feed my depression.

All this is aggravated by lack of language to express who I am. Oh yes I have words like gender queer and trans woman but so many people in our overwhelmingly cis normative society will ask 'but what does that REALLY mean?' or deny that they have any real meaning at all. This is further aggravated by people in the trans community who claim that if you don't have or want SRS you most definitely are not a 'true transsexual'.

A hopeful sign for me is that hearing this from outside or inside the trans community no longer automatically depresses me, it now more often just pisses me off. I am slowly working out some of my doubts and getting better and handling the remaining ones. Still they will never truly go away, it's just something I have to live with.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Natalie Reed

Natalie Reed is essential reading if you are at all interested in gender, sexuality or really anything. She is a brilliant critical thinker who will always make you think about things in a new way. For a added dose of thoughtful goodness follow her on Twitter as well.

Die Cis Scum!

While that statement may seem a little strong but I doubt there's a trans person alive who hasn't thought that or a close approximation at least once in their life. I'm lucky in that I've personally experienced very little trans misogyny and that mostly very mild. The worst was when my significant other called me a freak, we have moved well beyond that luckily. If you're at all connected to the world coming across daily examples of trans misogyny is almost inevitable.

While one expects professional bigots like Peter LaBarbera and Tony Perkins to make routine trans misogynist remakes the ones that piss me off the most are the ones that come from people who consider themselves LGBT allies. One very prominent example is Roseanne Barr who managed to faithfully mirror the attitudes of Perkins and LaBarbera. Nor is Barr the only liberal media figure to routinely make trans misogynist 'jokes', Adam Sandler and Craig Furguson being two notable examples.

I don't know about other people but having my identity and very being mocked and made into a bad joke tends to make me go all stabby. Trans people are routinely considered decivers, fakes and not quite human. Given the realities of the hate directed towards us I think Die Cis Scum i an appropriate and rather mild response.

Monday, December 3, 2012

On Not Passing

I didn't realize I was anything but cis until I was fifty and didn't start to transition until I was sixty. As a result though two and a half years of HRT have feminized me that can not undo the effects of sixty years of  testosterone. I will never be 'passable' by conventional beauty standards and I'm just fine with that. I started off my journey as a androgynous person so presenting in a androgynous fashion really suits me just fine. Basically I have decided to dress to please myself and screw trying to live by the standards of a cis hetero-normative society. So yes I am a gender queer trans woman and damned proud of it. Hell I even have it tattooed on my skin;

My tattoo

This is me femmed up for a night out;

See what I mean by not 'passable'? But what counts is I enjoyed that night immensely so fuck convetion live your life.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Stream Of Consciousness

Maybe it's my age but I just can't seem to do long thoughtful posts anymore. So this blog is going to stream of consciousness, AKA disjointed rambling. So let's begin shell we?


Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Late Night Thoughts While Waiting For The Laundry To Finish

Some random thoughts from my decaying brain.

I've been remarkably lucky for a moderately talented old trans broad. Thanks to my parents foresight in building their house in a working class neighborhood that became a trendy neighborhood I was able to sell the family home for a bundle. Enough to leave me comfortable in my old age.

I've been lucky in my transition to.  My therapist was willing to write me any letter I needed as soon as our first session was over. While I had to delay HRT due to financial problems I again lucked out when the Jeffery Goodman clinic at the L.A. Gay Center added a trans health program. The clinic operated on a informed consent model with payment based on ability to pay. Thanks to them I've been on HRT for nearly two and a half years.  

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

My New Shero, Lana Wachowski

Lana Wachowski recently got a well deserved Visibility Award from the HRC. This is the brilliant speech she gave.

After that I'm even willing to forgive her for "Speed Racer".

Friday, October 12, 2012

Columbus Day or Exploration Day, Same Thing

So another Columbus Day has come and gone and still we celebrate a brutal conqueror why cut people's hand's off when they failed to deliver enough gold. A man who started a 530 year course of genocide that is still going on in the America's.

Given this problamatic history there is a move afoot to change the title of the holiday to National Explores Day. Initially I thought this was a good idea and singed the petition. On reflection though I think this is every bit as problematic as Columbus Day.

The history of European exploration has been one of exploration as a prelude to conquest or at the least attempted conquest. From the Viking explorers like Eric the Red and Leif the Lucky to 18th century explores like James Cook and David Livinstone the explorer either was the conqueror was closely followed the conqueror. That the conquest sometimes involved several waves until successful like the 300 plus years European attempts to subjugate Africa or even failed as they did in Japan is immaterial, they always came.

All in all I think it might be better to rename Columbus Day to Indigenous Resistance Day or maybe just Resistance Day. I'm sick of the attempts to celebrate conquest and genocide.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

A Reoccurring Dream

A dream that I used to have quite frequently before I came out to myself popped up again tonight. The basics are always the same, I have given myself over to slavery and after much sexual submission and punishment I'm killed. That is not the end however, I am then resurrected by since as a intersex being capable of both bearing and siring children. I of course wind up pregnant and give birth. After that the dream may go off in many directions but the first part is always broadly the same.

As I said before I came to the self-realization hat I am genderquuer and transgendered on the feminine part of the gender cloud I used to have this dream all the time. I have not had it since then. So why now when I'm in full transition? Maybe it was triggered bu Natalie Reed's discussion of  Novaries, a term I only recently became acquainted with. My S.O. and I decided on no children before we got married and I really don't like kids all that much. It's probably significant that the dream almost never has children in it, just a intersex me being pregnant.  Also it's always me as a intersex person. If I could magically get the body I want it would be intersex. Maybe that is the point of the dream if it has one.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

On Hold

OK going through a personal crisis so I'm putting the blog on hold indefinitely

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Some Random Thoughts Before I Sleep

Today was a reasonably big day for me, I bought my first ever bras for myself. I bought them at The Wizard Of Bras and wizards they are. They went out of their way to make me comfortable and find me three bras that fit me. They are also extremely trans* friendly. If you need a bra and are in Southern California this is the place to go.

The bra shopping expedition was just another step on my gender journey, a journey that is accelerating. I present as more femme every day even though I'm stuck, for the moment, with male pattern baldness. So though I'll never pass I'm still going to express my stone femme self. Yes I often feel nervous about peoples reaction to me but I can't lead my life in fear of other peoples reactions, not and stay sane. So I dress to please myself and negotiate with the world on my presentation. Selfish? Maybe but other people expecting me to conform to their norms is even more selfish I think.

Mostly this is a journey into the unknown for this old broad. Two years as an Extrogen based life form and counting.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Some random Thoughts In The Early Evening

Sitting here in a lovely Korean Coffee house sipping a peach Italian soda while my friend composes what is sure to be a brilliant presentation my thoughts wander.

There are fireworks going off all round the neighborhood reminding me that it is the 4th of July. A surprisingly good look at the events surrounding the writing of the Deceleration of Independence is provided by 1776, a musical comedy. One of the things it points out in song is that the northern shipping fortunes were as dependent on the slave trade as the south was. It is usually forgotten that slavery wasn't finally abolished in the north until 1865 though most northern slaves were freed between 1777 and 1804.  The point here is we would do well to remember that this nation was founded on conquest, genocide and slavery. We would do well to be a little humbled before we proclaim ourselves a light unto the world.

A Few Reasons To Vote For Obama

I know there are many reasons to not vote for Obama in November, more deportations the Bush, continuing and intensifying human rights abuses like drone strikes and more help for the banksters then their victims. Still I think there are a few compelling reasons to vote for Obama.

The big one is the Supreme Court, there could be up to four vacancies over the next four years. As the recent Citizens United and ACA decisions show even one vote can be vital. Obama will appoint nice safe moderates, Romney will appoint hard right religious bigots to pay off his base. The damage they will do will extend over decades. Add all the Federal Court appointments over the next four years and I think you get a compelling case for Obama.

Then there is the economy, yes the economy. I know Obama has been less then stellar on economic issues, a too small stimulus and the buying into the Republicans self serving deficit hawk narrative. Still while the stimulus was too small to jump start the economy again it did stop the slide into the abyss. Also Obama has realized his mistake in accepting the austerity party line and has moved back to stimulus measures. As a result despite all the Republican efforts to sabotage everything the economy is growing, very slowly but growing.

A Romney administration will be Bush II on steroids. He will privatize everything which will mean massive layoffs and reduced wages for the new private employes. This of course will be combined with more huge tax cuts going mostly to the 0.1% which should help set new deficit records. Oh and regulations, what few the Democrats actually passed, they will be scraped and we'll be off on a new financial bubble and bust cycle. The next recession/depression, and there will be another one, will be worse then the last and probably come fairly soon. So while things aren't good now they could be much worse.

Then there is the not so minor, to me, matter of QTBLG rights. There has been at least some progress under Obama. Under Romney that will stop and there will be a concentrated effort to role back all progress made in the last 50 years.

You may have noticed there has already been a concentrated effort to role back woman's and reproductive rights. Now the Federal government provides some  counterbalance to these state level assaults. With Romney in charge the Federal government it will lend it's weight to the rollback effort rather the opposing it.

My favorite reason to re-elect Obama is the absolute apoplectic rage it will provoke in the conservatives. Yes I am a sadistic little bitch.

Day 30 Of The Gender Queer Challenge

The question for the thirtieth and last day of the gender queer challenge is. What does Genderqueer mean to you?

Oh that is a good one, especially for the last question. Gender queer means being free to explore all the wonderful possibilities of gender to find the mix that fits me best. It means my gender can change as I do with age. It means being open and accepting of others genders what ever they may be. Most of all ity means I'm truly me for the first time in my life and I've never been more comfortable with myself.

Day 29 Of The Gender Queer Challenge

The question for today is: Some positive Genderqueer experiences.

OK, this is a hard one. Not that I haven't had many positive experiences since I realized I'm gender queer it's just that they are bound up with so many other things. Was it just because I'm gender queer that I've met some wonderful people who are now good friends? The therapy that has helped me so much did I start that just because I was gender queer? being gender queer informs and weaves through my entire life now, it touches everything I do and am.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Day 28 Of The Gender Queer Challenge

The question for day 28 is; Who are some people in your life, on or offline, who make your life better? Your relationship doesn’t have to be related to queerness.

First I don't have that many people in my life period. One person who makes my life better all the time is Alexander Yoo my current best friend, My lovely S.O. makes my life wonderful most of the time but her inability to deal with my being gender queer also causes much pain. Carla Irene Anderson who helped so much during our last move and whose struggles so often mirror my own. Then there are all the wonderful people I know online who so often have extended a helping hand, inspired me and made me think.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Day 27 Of The Gender Queer Challange

The task for today is Write a poem about being Genderqueer. (if you struggle, try a haiku, acrostic poem with your name, or just a stream of conciousness paragraph). Allright then lets see what I can come up with.

I dance in the gender cloud
I change and morph my gender as I will
My will makes the gender probabilities real
I dance not in the spaces you know but beyond them
I am gender queer and delight in this
I dance in the gender queer cloud of infinite possibilities
I dance to become

Monday, June 18, 2012

Day 26 Of The Gender Queer Challange

The question for day 26 is Discuss how your clothes do or don’t reflect your gender.

Until recently my clothes didn't reflect my gender. In the last few months, however, I have acquired some woman's shoes, shirts and camisoles. Now I mix and match my clothes depending on my mood and what I'm doing that day. I'll dress any where from mostly male with just jewelry and nail polish to all woman's clothes and just my boy jeans. As I expand my wardrobe I'm going to have even more fun.

I'm Back

In case you haven't noticed I've been absent for a while. I'm in the middle of a move from California to New Mexico.

However inspired by the brilliant Natalie Reed I've decided to start posting again. I'm starting by finishing up the 30 day gender queer challenge. A littke kate I know but I still have things to say.

Monday, May 21, 2012

I am ART!

Meaning I have a tattoo from Pat Fish.

The traditional transgender symbol is the center of my new tattoo. The celtic knot band is the style called transformation. Getting this symbol of my transition was made all that much nicer by Pat Fish's very trans and gender queer friendly attitude.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Day 25 Of The Gender Queer Challenge

Maybe I should change the title of these posts to Item instead of Day. Anyway here is question twenty-five, Your first queer crush or relationship.

My first queer relationship was my first lover. At the time I still thought I was male and so was my lover.

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Day 24 Of The Gender Queer Challenge.

Well I've totally blown the one a day goal for these posts because of travel so let's see if we can finish this off today. Next up is question twenty-four, How has your relationship with the cisgender people in your life changed?

With my S.O. it has been major and we are still working through these issues. With a former lover the changes were minor because he had always seen my femme aspect. Most other cis people in my life have no idea I'm transtioning.  It's not that I hide it's that I don't advertise it. Being old I don't show that much change even though I've been on Estrogen for almost two years. As due to my domestic situtaion I will probably never change my legal name or gender marker I will probably always be read as male. On the other hand as I dress more and more femme and use my chosen name whenever possible I do tend to confuse some people quite a bit.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Day 23 Of The Gender Queer Challenge

As we wind this down we hit question twenty-three,Do you feel comfortable answering questions about your gender to friends? Acquaintances? Strangers?

Weel as most of my friends are fellow trans people I have no trouble at all talking to them at all. As for acquaintances and strangers, it's never come up so I don't have any idea how comfortable I would be answering questions about my gender. I hope if it ever does come up I can answer honestly however uncomfortable it may make me.

Day 22 Of The Gender Queer Challenge

We are nearing the end of what has proved a very interesting challenge. It has taught me much about myself be making me think about being gender queer. With out further ado question twenty-two, What is your sexual and romantic orientations? Are they affected by your gender?

My sexual and romantic orientation is pansexual. I can be sexualy or romantic lay attracted to men, women and those like me who are something else. This was quite true before I realized my gender queer nature and has not changed since. I find that I can be attracted by both good looks and personality. I have become involved with people online well before I ever met them.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Day 21 Of The Gender Queer Challenge

May but we are getting close to the end of the Gender Queer challenge. The twenty-first question is, How has your relationship with yourself been affected since you realized you were Genderqueer?

Oh my, my I'm not sure even where to begin. I had so deeply buried the part of me that was gender queer that it was a blinding revelation when the denial finally broke. I realized I didn't really know myself at all. As a result I went into therapy and have been at it ever since. I am much more comfortable in my own skin now.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Day 20 Of The Gender Queer Challenge

And I'm finally caught up. The twentieth question is, Have you faced any problems or gone through any changes regarding religion?

I can honestly say no. I have no religion myself and most of the religious people I know are all trans* or gender queer. Since I still present as male for the most part the religious people I know who are cis*have never commented on my being trans so no problems. I've been lucky this way so far.

Friday, April 20, 2012

Day 19 Of The Gender Queer Challenge

Yay me! I just caught up with my schedule of posts. Now on to the nineteenth question, What terms in the cisgender, GSM, or trans* community are problematic?

Well things like tray, she-male, trap and he/she leap immediately to mind. I wish I could say these slurs where only used by straight cis people but far too many are used by cis gays and lesbians. Misgendering is very problematic and unfortunately happens even in the trans* community with transsexual separatists delibertly misgendering any one who doesn't meet their criteria for a 'true' transsexual.

Day 18 Of The Gender Queer Challenge

No time to lose so on to question eighteen, How does your gender factor in to your future plans?

No there is a good question. In some ways not at all, we're moving but our relationship won't change. On the other hand I do want to get involved in gender queer and transgender activisim where I'm moving because I see a need for it.  On yet another level my gender factors into everything I do and all my future plans just not always as the dominent factor.

Day 17 Of The Gender Queer Challenge (sort of)

Oops! I seem to be a bit behind schedule. Time to play catch up. The seventeenth question is How do you, or would you, deal with being misgendered?

Weel I'm misgendered all the time. This is not surprising as I still present as male, something about male pattern baldness seems to triger a 'male' gendering. As it is while I may cringe inwardly every time I'm called sir I don't feel I can correct them yet. Latter when I'm a stone femme in a good wig I will be rather testy if I'm misagendered. At that point I will deliver a rather firm correction.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Day 16 Of The Gender Queer Challenge

Another day, another question. Name some media you connect with queerly

That would primarily be Blogger, hence this blog, and Twitter. I use Twitter to stay in contact with my trans and gender queer friends and. acquaintances.  

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Day 15 Of The Gender Queer Challenge

Catching up to date her is the fifteenth day Gender Queer challenge; How do you deal with gendered things? Clothes shopping, bathrooms, forms, etc.

That depends, I still present as male so despite a growing sense of unease I still use male bathrooms. I much prefer gender neutral bathrooms and probably always will.

I hate forms with a gender check box. They almost never have a 'none of the above' option and at the same time make it mandatory to answer the damn question. If I have to answer I will usually answer female unless it's for work and the I will answer male. I don't understand why the gender markers on forms are even necessary at all.

Clothes are not a problem, I both buy online and in person. I pick what interests me at the moment rather male or female style.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Day 14 Of The Gender Queer Challenge

A day late but here is day fourteen of the Gender Queer challenge; Are you part of the Gender and Sexuality Minority community?

In a word yes, to be a bit more specific I'm a member and sometimes staff of Gender Queer Revolution. I am hoping to expand this to setting up and running a chapter in Santa Fe when I move there.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Day 13 Of The Gender Queer Challenge

Gasp it's Saturday the thirteenth! Wait, no it isn't but it is day thirteen of the Gender Queer Challenge. Today's question is; How has your family taken it or how might they take it?

Well my S.O. did not take my coming out at all well. We are still working out what me being gender queer means to our relationship. Most of the rest of my family are dead and I haven't come out to the rest of them. I truly have no idea how they wood react.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Day 12 Of The Gender Queer Challenge

For day twelve the question is Discuss your relationship with the term transgender.

A bit problamatic, I identified as androgynous and gender queer before I added transgender to the mix. What changed was the growing realization that my femme side was predominate.

I still have doubts that I'm really transgender or maybe not transgender enough. Part of my problem is that I am gender fluid, my femme side is not always predominate. But my femme side is the dominate side most of the time. Given that I'm taking Estrogen now I'd say that I'm truly a trans woman, a gender queer woman but a trans woman nonetheless.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Day 11 Of The Gender Queer Challenge

My, my day eleven and a interesting question, Your first experience with a GSM organization or event.

My first experience grew from my online questioning and looking for information on transgender and gender queer identities. One of the online discussion groups was Gender Queer Revolution. After a while they started a series of Coffe Chats. I found acceptance and support in theses meetings. I am still gratefully beyond measure for them.

Day 10 Of The Gender Queer Challenge

W00T! We are a third of the way through with the tenth question,Are you taking any steps to physically transition?

Oh yes indeedy I am. I'm taking two 100mg Spironolactone to suppress Testosterone production and I wear a Climara patch delivering 0.1mg of Estradiol a day. All this has delivered very satisfactory results so far.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Day 9 Of The Gender Queer Challenge

I'm running out of ways to say this but it's another day in the Gender Queer challenge. The question today is What have you done or plan to do to socially transition? Pronouns, name, coming out, etc.?

Interestiningly I came up with my chosen name, Natasha, before I had admitted to myself that I was gender queer. I set up a Yahoo mail account to get technical support answers while out at a clients and picked the name Natasha Yar on what I thought was a whim. It was apparently my subconscious telling me something as that email account eventually led me to the discussion group that finally triggered my self realization.

As for being out that depends on the setting. I am not out at work at all. I am out to my S.O. But she does not except me as a woman but does crept that I have a strong femme side. I am totally out to my queer friends and will often use my chosen name socially and public settings.

I don't have that much femminine clothing but I do wear that out when the mood takes me. I
Refer gender neutral pronouns and use them when I can. Where I have to chose I will use femminine pronouns.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Day 8 Of The Gender Queer Challenge

Well, another day, another question An unpopular or unsure opinion about the GSM community.

I'm embarrassed to admit I had to look up what GSM meant. So about the Gender and Sexual Minority community, I'm unsure why so many in the GSM community seem so eager to replicate the class and race devision of the cis white male dominated straight community in the GSM community.

Rich white cis gay men dominate and run roughshod over the GSM community the same way their straight counterparts do over scociety at large. Because the rich white cis men who run the HRC, among other organizations, want marriage privilege for themselves this becomes the major fight. Meanwhile measures that mean life and death to the gender part of the GSM community are ignored or sidetracked. Measures that mean life or death to the poor in the sexual part of the GSM community are likewise ignored or sidetracked.

I suppose what it comes down to is that the cis gay men who dominate the HRC and the such are just another part of the 1%.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Day 7 Of The Gender Queer Challenge

Wow a whole week gone! Question seven is What are your favorite physical features of yourself?

Well, I've always liked my legs, I do a lot of walking so they've always been in good shape. I also like my eyes. They are hazel with decent lashes that I'm quite good at fluttering. My newest feature that I love are my boobs. Eighteen months of Estrogen and Spiro have given me a fairly nice pair.

The rst of me is a mess at the moment but there are many changes to come

Day 6 Of The Gender Queer Challenge

Moving on today's question isWhen did you realize you were Genderqueer?

Well, that happened about 12 years ago and all because of the web comic  Venus Envy. In reading the emails in the Yahoo group devoted to Venus Envy I came across a little allegory of pirates and ninjas and how Zorro combined a bit of both with a dash of style. I knew there was a reason I always loved Zorro. That post lead me to the Androgyne discussion group and the light bulb going on effect of self recognition. I knew then I was Gender Queer though I didn't actually come across that term for several more months.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Late Night Thoughts Rattling Around My Mind

Listing to Glen Fry's the Smuggler's Blues and thinking how drug prohibition was driven more by bureaucratic power grabbing then any actual science. Harry J. Anslinger was worried he would be out of a job with the end of alcohol prohibition so he ginned up a 'drug crises' to give himself job security and grab some more power. Nixon crated the war on drugs for much the same reason. Government policy has always been driven by greed and corruption as much as anything else. That's the main reason I'm an anarchist.

Speaking of greed and corruption things aren't looking too good for organized religion of any stripe right now. In fact the mask seems to have slipped badly revealing a sordid reality that makes a Mafia crime family look benign by comparison.

Me I think I'm riding an Estrogen high right now so I think I'll sign off for the night.

Day 5 Of The Gender Queer Challenge

Ah we are marching on aren't we? Well, here is question five, Dysphoria and how you manage it.

This is a bit harder than it may seem for me to answer. In some ways I do have body dysphoria in other ways I don't. The image I have in my head varies but mostly is that of a femme intersex body with muscles.  Very far away form the way I look or am ever likely to look.

Now that I think of it my dysphoria is one of the drivers of my depression, not at all unusual among trans people. No wonder I tend to sleep away the day.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Day 4 Of The Gender Queer Challenge

For the fourth day Gender Queer challenge the question is Name some queer heroes, influences, or crushes.

Well this ones easy as my number one hero, influence and crush is all wraped up in the same person, Alaxander Yoo creator of GenderQueer Revolution. Really without Alexander's help I wouldn't have gotten through to this point. Then there is the very wise Rabbi Levi Alter who taught this atheist much about the high esteem trans people are held in the bible and other such unknown bits of trans history. Of course there's Auntie Kate Bornstein hero and inspiration to us all. Genesis P-Orridge who's still pushing the artistic frontiers. Then there's MX Justin Viviane Bond who has given me my new favorite gender pronoun, Mx. Just call Mx Natasha Yar-Routh. There's Venus De Mars the brilliant leader of the hard rock group All The Pretty Horses. Finally last but certainly not least there were the fabulous Cockettes , a troop of performance artists who first opened my eyes to the wonderful posibilities of Gender Queer.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Day 3 of the 30 Day Gender Queer Challenge

Todays question is 'What’s your favorite ways of upsetting gender roles / genderbending / genderfucking?'

Good question seeing as I don't get to do too much genderfucking myself. I suppose just using my proffered name, Natasha, while looking so depresingly male. Then again I also like to mix and match clothes. Wearing a very feme top with boy jeans and lovely wedge sandals.

Small stuff I know but it's what I can do with what I've got. As Estrogen continues to reshape my body I hope to do ever so much more. Suggestions gratefully taken.

I Don't Do Mornings

I really don't, I just can't get going at all. I much prefer afternoon's and night time. I detest morning people because this just won't leave you alone. Then there's their incessant nattering about missing the 'best part of the day', ugh. I do think I'm going to adopt Wrren Ellis's rule, if I've been up less then two hours it's still morning no matter what the clock says.

Freedom (sort of)

I'm sure you've noticed how much the religious right and their allies go on about our attack on their freedoms. The freedoms under attack are their freedom to bully and coarce other people. They hate that they might be forced to follow the rules that everyone else does.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Day 2 Of The Gender Queer Chalange

Today's question is how did you grow up with your gender?

As a young child through the start of junior high school, now known as middle school. I played with dolls and space ships, was at home playing girls games as boys games and apparently had some quite feminine mannerisms. Those same mannerisms lead to teasing and mild bullying in junior high. My reaction, unfortunately, was to bury all feminine aspects of myself quite deep. So deep in fact that they took 40 years to really break through again.

On Shaky Ground

I do live on shaky ground. No not financially, since we sold my arents old place we are very well off. While my SO and I have had to make adjustments as I've transitioned we still seem to be pretty solid. Nor is our house on the sort of hillside that might suddenly move to another zip code, it's foundations are sunk into granite.

The problem is that granite is within easy walking distance to the San Andreas fault and sits over three subsidiary faults. The last time out section of the the San Andreas ruptured was the Fort Tejon earthquake of 1857. At a 155 years we are a bit overdue for another major quake around here. So yeah I live on some potentially very shaky ground.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Natasha The Lucky

Not quite as catchy as Leif the Lucky but equally true. I was lucky to meet and become friends with a community activist just as I was admitting who I really was. My fiend was also just setting up a support group up for gender queer people which did much to help me through the early days of my coming out. he helped me find a trans friendly therapist and trans specific health care. All of whom believed in agency and did not make me jump through hoops to access the medical services I needed.

So yes I have been incredibly lucky to have avoided the gatekeepers that so many of my online friends have had to put up with. Many of these gatekeepers are petty tyrants who just want to keep the trans people they deal with under their thumb. Others are well meaning but so hopelessly cis sexist and hetronormative that they do more harm then good. Yet others are just clueless beaurocrats who are just going through the motions and following outdated policy. Basically the gatekeeper model is a broken system that needs to be totally replaced. I am damn luck to have avoided ever having to deal with it.


One of my favorite TV shows is Once Upon A Time. On the last episode we found out that Regina, the Evil Queen was started down her dark path thanks to a very abusive mother. As both my SO and best friend were subjected to abuse to greater or lesser degree by their parents this theme resonated with me.

The worst case of abuse I have heard of lately is that of an 11 year old trans girl who, thanks to the Berlin court system, will soon be subject to 'therapy' to 'correct' her gender. In other words she will be subjected to psychological and quite possibly physical torture until she acts the way her father and her torturers want her to act. this monstrous act will of course be performed 'for her own good.' I would all of my readers to please sign this petition to try to stop this evil act.

The 30 Day Gender Queer Challenge

OK so there's a 30 day Gender Queer challenge is there? Well, I'll take that challenge.

The first day's challenge is 'Do you use any other terms to define or explain your gender?'

Yes, I do, both androrogyne and gender fluid. Androgyne because though I'm more female then male I am still a mixture of both. If I could I would present as an androgynous femme person. Gender fluid because where I am in the gender cloud varies from day to day. I may be a stone femme woman one day, a butch androgyne the next. My gender is complex and I'm having great fun exploring it.

Why I Hate Admiral Ackbar

I thought I knew all the insulting terms for trans women but I just learned a new one, trap. As in 'it's a trap' the line uttered by that overgrown salamander Admiral Ackbar when the Imperial Fleet emerges from the far side of Endor in 'Return Of The Jedi'. It seems the hate and bigot brigade thinks we trans women are just trying to trap the poor menz and drain their precious bodily fluids from them.

Well guess what we aren't trying to trap anyone, we just want companionship and if lucky maybe love like any other human being. It seems some men just can't Handel the fact that a woman they find attractive may have a trans history the poor dears, their egos are such fragil things. Unfortunately they often resort to violence and we end up beaten or dead.

So fuck you Admiral Ackbar, I'm sorry Adimral Piett didn't blow your damned ship to atoms. Lon Live the Empire!

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Good Night

Night in the mountains is above all quite, much easier to sleep then in the city. It's also drier and even though that means I use more lotion I don't break out the way I do down on the coast.

Good night and sleep well all.

Saturday, March 31, 2012

On Not Passing

I didn't start to transition untill I was 59, by that time testosterone had already rendered me bald. Even after 21 months of Estrogen patches and nearly as long on Spiro I still present as male. Oh I have boobs, my body hair is paler, and am told my skin is softer but at a glance still male. While I might be able to pass with the aid of a wig I still doubt it. I am luckyvo have a group of trans and gender queer friends who accept me as a woman so not passing isn't as bad as it could be. still to have the rest f the world se me as a man is annoying to say the least. Bathrooms are the biggest annoyance, I hate having to use the men's room and love gender neutral bathrooms. I adjust the best I can to the world around me and gather strength in knowing I am a gender queer Woman.

Morning Does Not Become Me

The bright yellow thing in the sky is back so it's time to post something.

It seems as good a time as any to acknowledge my privilage and I have it on several levels. I grew up as a white middle class male on the west side of Los Angeles giving me boat loads of privilage right there. I had so totally repressed my famine side in middle school Somali suffered relatively little bullying and that stopped in high school. In the seventies in California it was possible to go through the Cal State University system on the cheap, even a working class kid could do it much less me with a father who was an aircraft engineer. So I was a collage graduate with no student loan debt, anther boatload of privilage. Being in collage also meant I didn't have to worry about the draft during the Vietnam war, mor privilage. Even tough I spent most of the next decade clerking in a bookstore when I got married family contacts landed me a good job, privilage in action again. My wife also came from a middle class background so when the occasional period of unemployment hit we had family resources to help see us through, privilage in action again. When our parents passed we inherited two houses the one from my parents was free and clear. My old home was in a formerly working class neighborhood that was now prime real estate so I could sell it for a boatload of cash, another huge amount of privilage comes through for me.

So yes I have had a lot of privilage in my life and I know it. I'm acknowledging that here so you know it too, when reading this little blog remember how my views have been shaped by that privilage. Me acknowledging my privilage is not me wallowing in liberal guilt it is me trying to get a more objective view of the world correcting for my biases.

A Last Thought Before Bed

A year and a half into my transition I know I'll never pass, there is just no way. So do I think transition isn't worth it? Not in the least, I love the way Estrogen makes me feel and helps me cope with life. There's more to being feminine then just looking the part. For all the problems that come with transition I love being a gender queer trans woman. A year and a half of Estrogen has just confirmed that this is me.

Friday, March 30, 2012

Who speaks for whom

In this country it seems stright white cis male pundits with help from a few straight white cis female pundits speake for everybody on all issues. Oh there are exceptions, a few POC who will be quoted if there is an incident involving their ethnic group & a few rich white gays and lesbians who get to speake for all TBLG people. But day in, day out straight white CIS people speake for us all. This, gentle people is bullshit.

The only people who can speake athunticaly for a group are people who belong to that group. Only a black woman who has had to endure the daily injuries of dealing with casual raceism and sexism can truly speake of the effect theses things have on black women. This is true of all groups, it is also true that only members of that group can decide what issues are important to them. The spectacle of conservative white male pundits telling black people in the wake of the murder of Trayvon Martin that they were focusing on the wrong problem is obscene.

This does not mean that only blacks can speake on black issues or trans people on trans issues, it does mean that if your not a member of the group you're studying you have to be damn sure and double check your biases and privilage or risk creating another monument to bad scholarship like Bell Curve: Intelligence and Class Structure in American Life (A Free Press Paperbacks Book)
 or The Man Who Would Be Queen: The Science of Gender-Bending and Transsexualism. Of course if you're a stright white cis male and produce such idiocy you will be defended for just criticism, if you're any one else you will be ignored.

The glory of the internet is that it has given various groups a chance to speak for themselves. A few of us have even risen to some prominence. Now the rest of us need to listen to the voices of people from groups not our own. It can be difficult to listen because sometimes it seems like what they are saying is a direct personal criticism of us but even if it is we need to listen and learn. 

Morning in the Mountains

*tap* *tap* 'testing, testing, anybody out there?' Well it is morning in the Tehachapi Mountains here in California where I live. I'm just trying to get my brain to start functioning by doing some writing. Now what to write about?

Well how about what a brilliant writer Natalie Reed is? If your not reading her blog you should be. She explores transgender issues better than any one I know including me. She also puts me to shame with her ability compelling entries daily, sometimes twice daily. She is a major talent and I admire her greatly.

Well that's it for this morning. More this afternoon when the topic will be agency and who speaks for whom.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

That Sinking Feeling

Mmm, Hi there it's been awhile. A lot's been happening in my life of late/ Follow me on twitter if your interested.

Meanwhile there has been a new jobs report and it's pretty damn good. Which is really bad news for the Republican presidential hopefuls. An incumbent president is tough to beat in an election, you need some extraordinary circumstances.A really crappy economy is one of those circumstances. A improving economy and incumbency are as  close to a lock as you get in politics. So if this jobs report is heralding faster economic growth the Republicans can kiss the White House goodby for another four years.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

SOPA Thoughts

The Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) and it's handmaiden The Protect Intellectual Property Act (PIPA) have been widely discussed and denounced.  Others have discused the details better then I could. The main point is it makes it easy for a company to get a court order to disrupt or shutdown an offending site. The accused would have only five days to appeal before sanctions are invoked.Theoretically these provisions would only be used against sites hosting copyrighted material without authorization. The problem here is that the definition of intellectual property is a bit vague.

Remeber Lotus makers of the 1-2-3 spreadsheet? They were notorious for suing rivals for infringing on the 'look and feel' of their software. More recently Apple and Amazon have brought a number of similar lawsuits. Now instead of going to the trouble of filling a lawsuit and the attendant messy trial just get a nice court order and in five days your rival is out of business.  The burden of proof is shifted to your target, they have to prove their not guilty. It's a nice way to strangle a rival in their radle so to say.

It's a nice way for the big guys to stay big. Now what was that nonsense about a free market?

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

The 'T' Word

Yes I mean tranny. It should be clear by now to everyone that the word is a slur. Worse as pointed out by voz Latina it is a slur thrown just before violent attacks on trans women. It is used as an insult as in 'Hot tranny mess' by pipsqueak no talent cis gays. Yes I use it in referring to myself , telling myself to get my tranny ass moving in the morning. This does not mean you may use it around me ever or you will have one very angry trans woman on your ass. I don't care if RuPaul says it's ok to use tranny, he isn't a trans woman so he has NO standing on the issue. Which brings up the point that the community that seems most reluctant to give up the word is not the bible thumpers but the cis gays. Tranny is an insult and a call to violence against us so just stop using it. And no I'm not going to 'lighten up' or 'get over it' so just fuck off and die.

Monday, January 16, 2012


I suffer from clinical depression, mostly in remission now. I will never be rid of depression, it will always lurk in the background. Depression can still lay me low without enough energy to get out of bed or even eat. It can still trigger self destructive behavior like smoking and drinking to excess. What has changed is now my depressive episodes last hours or a day at most. They used to last for weeks.

It's taken a lot of therapy (thank you Dr. Cooper) and work to get to this point but I have managed to avoid anti-depressants. For those who are on anti-depressants and whom they help, good for you and I wish you the best.

Depression is a very real, debilitating and sometimes fatal illness. No one in the grip of a depressive episode wants to hear 'get over it', 'pull tour self together', 'turn that frown upside down' or any of the many variants of these. Believe me if we could just pull our selves up by our bootstraps we would. We can also mange our illness so we don't need to be treated as useless and fired or not hired because of it.

In the meantime I live with my depression knowing anything or nothing at all can trigger a depressive episode. As Christine Smith says, for us pessimism is easy, it's optimism that's hard.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Rock and Roll is my Religion And My Law

Well not really as I have no religion but pretty close. Rock'n' Roll is what first gave me a sense of the widder possibilities in life. That white middle class button down values weren't all there is. While it took 45 years to finally break out of the last pieces of repression and realize that I was gender queer it all started with Rock 'n' Roll.

So all those bible thumpers were right Rock 'n' Roll is a threat to their way of life, ain't it great?

Oh, and I would have so done Bon Scott had I ever had the chance.

Random Late Night Stuff

Nope not sure I can call these thoughts as I'm not sure I'm actually thinking any more.

So I've been on Estrogen patches for about 18 months, I really like this. The physical effects haven't been all that great though I do have boobs now, very sensitive boobs. What I love are the effects the estrogen and the reduction in testosterone have had on my mind. I am in touch with and can actually experience my emotions, I was very closed off before. So even though I'll never pass as the woman I am I'll never go back ever.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

No I'm Not A Liberal

For all the must-vote-Democrat crowd you would do well to remember the good liberal Democrats escalated the war in Vietnam, voted for both Iraq and Afghanistan, urged Dr King to go slown and not rock the boat and have never even tried to repeal Taft-Hartley. For all of you this song from  Phil Oachs;

Yes I Am An Anrachist and A Atheist

A few quotes for the redoubtable Emma Goldman,

If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal

 The philosophy of Atheism represents a concept of life without any metaphysical Beyond or Divine Regulator. It is the concept of an actual, real world with its liberating, expanding and beautifying possibilities, as against an unreal world, which, with its spirits, oracles, and mean contentment has kept humanity in helpless degradation.

 If I can't dance to it, it's not my revolution

May you all walk in beauty and harmony.

Politics, Big Whoop

Ah yes there is a presidential election going on. The Republicans having activly running since the middle of last year and now Romney has surged to victory in New Hampshire with a stunning 33% pf the vote. Put another way two thirds of the Republican voters in New Hampshire can't stand Romney's guts. Not so impresive a victory when looked at that way is it?

Not that any of this really matters much as the Republicans vary from very bad to the hideously awful and none of them should ever be allowed near the Oval Office. But more profoundly the whole election doesn't matter at all, the streets are where the future will be decided.

The Occupy movement for all it's flaws, it has many, has already had a major effect. The Democrats and the Republicans have been forced to at least pretend interest in jobs and economic inequality. Despite police raids and massed arrests the Occupy movement has not gone away and is instead forging new alliances with labor and other groups. The movement is also working to address it's problems such as lack of diversity,  sexism and trans misogyny.The Occupy movement is already widespread and is moving to increase it's depth.

Our current system is corrupt and broken, hopelessly so. I agree with Ted Rall in his The Anti-American Manifesto that we need a revolution and now. I'm hopefull that the Occupy movement is the beginning of that revolution because no matter who wins in November the 1% will still be calling the shots.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Late Night Depression (?)

I am depressed, clinically that is, but not nearly as depressed as I should be. My car has died and repairing it will cost almost all my money for the month leaving not enough to do things like keep the utilities on or get food. There may be ways around this and I'm working on it and that is what is different.

In the past I would have been too depressed to function but now I can. Oh I still have all the symptoms, tough to get out of bead, hard to concentrate and all the rest. But I can work around them now thanks to a lot of work with my therapist Dr. Cooper. This makes me feel very good.

So to all you suffering from depression I say it does get better. Yes it takes time and is a lot of work but with help you can overcome this.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Myths Debunked And Facts Given

The estimable Skepchic Natalie busts thirteen myths about trans women. She not only busts the myths but gives cold hard facts you can use to fight back against the bigots.

Extra special bonus, Natalie has started a new site, Queereka!

Monday, January 2, 2012

I Don't Identify As, I Am

The brilliant CN Letser has written a easy about why we need to retire the phrase 'self-identify' permanently. You really should go read it, I can wait so off you go. Back? Good so you can see why I'm dropping the whole 'self-identify' thing entirely. 

I AM a gender queer trans woman who sails the gender probability cloud.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Remember The Space Age?

Hey anybody hear old enough to remember the Space Age? What you say we are still in the Space Age, no not really. This coming December 19, 2012 will mark forty years since a human stood on another world. No nation can duplicate that feat now. Yes we can still get to low earth orbit, or at least China and Russia can. But we've been fooling around in low Earth orbit for a bit over 50 years now. The Apollo program was intended to lead to a space station and  maned lunar base but all that was canceled.

All the really important space science and discovery missions have been unnamed. Our robots have done wonders and could do much more if we re-routed the money from our maned space efforts. Think what we could have done with the money wasted on the now canceled Constellation program?
 Not that the U.S. space program is the only exercise in  futility, the russins have spent the last decade trying to come up with a successor to the Soyuz with out geting anything past the initial planing stage. As of now the only space program showing any real progress is the Chinese space program.

The whole concept of the Space Age was that orbital flights, space stations and lunar missions were just the first steps to Mars and beyond to a permanent human presence in space. We aren't even close to those goals. The ISS may be de-orbited as early as 2015 and won't last past 2020 in any case. If we're lucky China will be just starting to build their own space station then if their economy doesn't implode the way the west's has.

The Space Age was all bright and shiny when it started 50 years ago but that faded out in a little over a decade. If we're lucky in another decade or so we may have a new Space Age and this time the promise will be fulfilled.  But for now all we have are fading memories and some  Hollywood glitz, kind of sad really.