The question 'Am I trans enough?' seems to be depressingly common among we trans folk. Natalie Reed and Ami recently had a conversation about this on Twitter.Natalie said the doubts about rather she was 'really' trans delayed her transition about twelve years. I my case doubts about how trans I was were a major contributor to my ten year delay in coming out to myself and actually transitioning.
These doubts are aggravated by our oh so cis normative culture are dangerous to express as so many gatekeepers will see them as a sign that you aren't trans and deny you access to necessary medical care. It gets worse when you're gender queer. Telling many therapists that you feel gender fluid or between genders will get you dismissed as 'not serious' and not 'really trans' almost immediately, I have been lucky in that my therapist accepts my gender as valid because it is mine. That still hasn't quelled the self doubts that always lurk in the back of my mind and help feed my depression.
All this is aggravated by lack of language to express who I am. Oh yes I have words like gender queer and trans woman but so many people in our overwhelmingly cis normative society will ask 'but what does that REALLY mean?' or deny that they have any real meaning at all. This is further aggravated by people in the trans community who claim that if you don't have or want SRS you most definitely are not a 'true transsexual'.
A hopeful sign for me is that hearing this from outside or inside the trans community no longer automatically depresses me, it now more often just pisses me off. I am slowly working out some of my doubts and getting better and handling the remaining ones. Still they will never truly go away, it's just something I have to live with.