The weariness that seems ready to overwhelm me is in large part my own creation. I know how to take care of myself, how to organize my time but I don’t do it. I ask myself why? Let’s explore this shall we?
Even as I type this I should be sleeping so why keep typing? I part writing has it’s own dynamic but also I have a self-destructive streak that predates my currently in remission depression. I am also quit lazy, but is that part of the self-destructive streak or a separate problem? Hmm, good question that, now do I have a good answer? I think they are intertwined, feeding each other and now overlaid with the ongoing depression. The feed off it and are fed by it, ah the complexity of the mind and life in general. Of course this is all intertwined with my gender queerness and the long suppression of same. So would taking the next steps and starting hormones coming out to the world in general solve these problems? Probably not but it would very probably start to tease lose the various intertwined strands.