Goodbye To Therapy

Well despite the fact I'm still have depression, though in remission, and am dealing with gender issues I'm going to have to give up therapy. Simply no more money for it. Dr. Cooper had to drop Antheum/Blue Cross because they were screwing her over. Besides if they had their way I would just be a well drugged cypher.

So for the next three or four months at least no therapy for Natasha. I wonder if I can survive or will fall back into deep depression?

On Being Gender Queer, Part Of A Series

Being gender queer means living with na certain level of uncertainty, at least it does for me. I never know where in the gender cloud I'll be when I wake up. Will the the person looking back at me in the mirror be definitely male, a very effeminate male, a old butch woman or a proud middle age matron? Any of these and a thousand others are possibilities for me.

Some Night Music

Some nightmarish night music but these are nightmarish times.

Yes there are ever more uprisings against the status quo, but are they too little too late? The austerity brigade still rule the roost in the U.S. and Europe and now there are cracks showing in China's economy.We are still pumping carbon into our atmosphere at accelerating rates and permanently altering our weather.






Not that I'm a prophet of doom, the world isn't ending any time soon but things are going to get a lot more interesting not to mention surreal.

Oh and Halloween is coming

Nothing To Say

Really nothing at all to say tonight, so here is 21st Century Schizoid Man by a string quintet.

Night Thoughts

So tired but must write. Random and incoherent thoughts flit trough my head.

The completely secular wording of the U.S. Constitution putting a lie to the 'this is a christian nation' nonsense spouted by the right.

How much I love what Estrogen has done and is doing to me.

How much I love my chosen queer family.

How frustrating my ADHA has become.

Pleasant Night Thoughts

I’ve had enough with being angry and raising my blood pressure so something pleasant for tonight. The Occupy Wall Street movement is spreading, even unto Bakersfield and if the Occupy movement has reached hartland palces like Bakersfield it's spreading it's roots deeply indeed. The movement has been successful enough to seriously wory a Republican congressman. I find all this very hopeful, yes I know the Occupy Wall Street movement has it's flaws but it's evolving in the right direction. Real change always comes from below not from the top, this is real change we can believe in.

This Makes Me Angry

Take a look at this ultra-misogynist t-shirt. This is the sort of crap that pisses me off. It is such a perfect example of rape culture, de-humanization of sex workers  and general misogyny. It actualy pissed me off enough to write the following letter to them,

Real congratulations on having one of the most offensive t-shirt designs ever. Your 'If you have sex with a prostitute without her consent is it rape or shoplifting' shirt manages to trivialize rape and sexual violence and dehumanize sex workers all in one offensive package. Way to go fuckwads.

I know I should be polite to get my point across but that is hard to do when I'm this angry. That shirt showes you as the hateful misogynist cowards that you are. I don't think you'll have the good graces to actually stop selling that piece of crap shirt and even fake apologize but one can always hope.

I would like to encourage what few readers I have to send their own letter of comment to these jerkwads at info@1stoptshirtshop.co.uk.

A Very Late Friday Random Thirteen

A trip through my mind via the random songs thrown up by iTunes in shuffle mode.

The Sea King by Hawkwind
Departure by The Moody Blues
Catch My Fall by Billy Idol
Coming Back To Me by Jefferson Airplane
A View To A Kill by Duran Duran
The Hell Of It by Paul Williams
Back In Business by AC/DC
TVC 15 by David Bowie
I’m Coming Home by The Deviants
Angel by Iggy Pop
N.S.U. by Cream
The Apparition by Iron Maiden
Drowning Man by Duran Duran

Desire

Once again it’s late at night, I’m awake and need to write. So what shall we paly with tonight? How about desire, that kind of ties in with the Cenobites of The Order Of The Gash we were discussing last night. The Cenobites were all about desire. Desire is, you desire what you desire. You can control the gratification of your desires but if you desire the tight young stud across the hall or the taught surfer chick two doors down (or both) then you desire them. You might not act on your desires, I would be too shy to speak to either of the people in our example, but the desire will remain. Trying to deny the desire exists will just make you crazy. You can chose not to act on your desire because the action would hurt the object of your desire but that means acknowledging your desire and working through it. Above all desire IS.

Wandering Through My Mind

My but this blog has become personal hasn’t it? I really do mean to comment on the issues of the day but I keep putting off writing until late at night. So let’s go exploring through the decaying edifice of my mind shall we? I seek sensation as a masochist, thus I use a Cenobite from Hellraiser as my icon. Knowing exactly what awaits me I would still happily solve the Lament Configuration. Yes I do want to experience the extremes of sensation to overwhelm and transform me. The flesh as artistic canvas fascinates me. This does not mean I seek annihilation, I seek transformation. I want to be a technological Phoenix. In some ways I already am, I’m using Estrogen and Spiro to alter my body and my mind. A bio-technological Phoenix, that’s me, rising from the ashes of my old life.

Just Another Random Thought

It occurs to me that I didn’t mention that I’m an atheist in my re-introduction. I’m an atheist because I noticed that what little evidence there is for gods and goddesses, more hearsay really, is equally valid for the lot of them. The problem is the claims made for the nearly 1,000 gods and goddesses are contradictory. Quite simply they can’t all be true, but they can quiet easily all be false. Factor in that we have well tested scientific explanations for much of existence and there is no need for any supernatural beings running around causing trouble.

A Quick One Before I Sleep

Bored now. The Punch and Judy show that is politics in this country is idiotic and completely ritualized. Everyone knows their role and plays their part. The best actors get the lead roles which is why Reagan was so successful. He may have been a ‘B’ actor but he was far better than the ‘C’ and ‘D’ actors he was up against. Real politics is being played out in the board rooms and in the streets. He puppet show in side the beltway will become increasingly irrelevant.

Some Random Late Night Thoughts

I’ve lived a fairly privileged life. That that life has not been overly successful is mostly my own fault aided by my ADHD. So I really have no reason to be depressed, but it doesn’t work that way. No matter how successful or fulfilling your life is depression can gut you and leave you a wreck. It’s what my Friend Alexander calls an invisible illness.

These are illnesses that do not have any obvious external symptoms. Things like depression, anxiety and ADHD. These illnesses are difficult to diagnose and difficult to treat. There is also a tendency by those not suffering from them to dismiss them as somehow not ‘real illnesses’. They urge people to ‘man up’ or ‘get over it’, this is spectacularly not helpful. These are real and debilitating illnesses as I have learned the hard way.

This brings me to another thought, just how much I hate the ‘your too sensitive, why so angry?’ line. This is usually uttered by some privileged twit when called on some hateful remark or joke he just made. The privileged one is trying to de-legitimize the anger felt by the person calling him on his oh so casual, meant no offence remake. This is not just a problem of the right, I see plenty of casual trans-misogyny from progressives as well. So the next time someone calls you on some remark or joke stop and actually listen to what they have to say, you may learn something.

A Reintroduction

Thanks to my depression I do tend to abandon my blog for long periods of time.

I’m back for the moment and thought I should reintroduce myself. I’m a proud, semi out, gender queer trans woman. I’m on a regime of Spironolactone to reduce my testosterone levels and Estrogen patches to help feminize me. I’ll never have passing privilege as at 60 I’m really too old for any major changes to my body. But I do love the mental and emotional changes that Estrogen has brought.

So I’ll be blogging about whatever cross3s my mind which will include more about me.

Cheery Bye for now.