Thursday, January 3, 2008
Well I blog again. I think a new introduction and a bit of personal history are in order. I am a gender queer biological male and while my sense of gender identity is fluid it tends more to the female than the male. Which brings us to a bit of personal history. With the wonderful gift of hindsight I can see that I had a lot of what might be called feminine mannerisms in grade school, left to myself I preferred hopscotch to baseball. Then came middle school and intense peer pressure over the way I walked, held my books and the like. This was the early sixties and I did not even think top question gender roles so I buried the female side of myself after all I was a ‘boy’ and needed to act the part. I didn’t like playing most sports, I threw like a ‘girl’ surprise surprise, but being a true child of Los Angeles I loved cars. So I went through high school and on to collage where I found out that I wasn’t quite as straight as I had thought, I feel in lust with David Bowie in his Ziggy Stardust phase. As I still had sexual interest in women I realized I was bisexual but still had no clue that I might be transgender in any way. So I graduated, started working and eventually got married all without realizing how much of myself I had blocked off and buried. You can not deny that large a part of yourself without consequences, in my case a deep depression that started in my mid 40s and got to the point where I really did not care rather I lived or died. Then I got lucky thanks to Mikhaela Reid and Erin Lindsey. From Mikhela’s excelent blog I was referred to Erin’s equally excelent web comic while there I started reading the online forum and there I read a post that induced a satori moment. That post lead me to realize my androgynous nature and my depression started to lift. My problems weren’t over; I had nearly wrecked my marriage while in the depths of depression and coming out as transgendered to Lyne created it’s own set of problems. Now I am in therapy exploring my self and putting my shattered life back together. It’s been a long and sometimes miserable trip but now I’m a (mostly) out gender queer trans-women who has something to say, stay tuned.