Full Diclosure

I'm Natasha Yar-Routh, it says so right on the masthead. But as some of you know that is not my legal name, that is Barry Scott Routh. You see being gender queer for me means having two lives.

I'm one life, the one I'm coming to prefer, I'm Natasha the person you know from this blog and on twitter. In the other I'm Barry. A married, well not man but person, with a job and all that.

Increasingly my worlds are blending into each other so starting here I'm going to be as open as I can about this. For various reasons my legal name will most probably never change even though I identify as Natasha. Of course I don't look like a Natasha do I?

Not really that fem am I? Yet I feel very fem most time.

Ah well enough self confession tonight, sleep well all of you.

Why I Hate Birthdays (mine)

The day before my 13th Birthday John Kennedy was shot, the day after Oswald was shot. On my 29th Birthday I saw "Quadrophenia" was deeply depressed for a week. This was while I was dating Lyne, through our relation back a few steps. Close to my 50th birthday I learned my father had lung cancer. he died about two months latter. Around my 59th birthday my mother had the fall that put her in intensive care, she died May of last year.

Not an inspiring record is it? I think you can see why I've come to really hate my birthday and the month of November in general.

Goodbye To Therapy

Well despite the fact I'm still have depression, though in remission, and am dealing with gender issues I'm going to have to give up therapy. Simply no more money for it. Dr. Cooper had to drop Antheum/Blue Cross because they were screwing her over. Besides if they had their way I would just be a well drugged cypher.

So for the next three or four months at least no therapy for Natasha. I wonder if I can survive or will fall back into deep depression?

On Being Gender Queer, Part Of A Series

Being gender queer means living with na certain level of uncertainty, at least it does for me. I never know where in the gender cloud I'll be when I wake up. Will the the person looking back at me in the mirror be definitely male, a very effeminate male, a old butch woman or a proud middle age matron? Any of these and a thousand others are possibilities for me.

Some Night Music

Some nightmarish night music but these are nightmarish times.

Yes there are ever more uprisings against the status quo, but are they too little too late? The austerity brigade still rule the roost in the U.S. and Europe and now there are cracks showing in China's economy.We are still pumping carbon into our atmosphere at accelerating rates and permanently altering our weather.






Not that I'm a prophet of doom, the world isn't ending any time soon but things are going to get a lot more interesting not to mention surreal.

Oh and Halloween is coming

Nothing To Say

Really nothing at all to say tonight, so here is 21st Century Schizoid Man by a string quintet.

Night Thoughts

So tired but must write. Random and incoherent thoughts flit trough my head.

The completely secular wording of the U.S. Constitution putting a lie to the 'this is a christian nation' nonsense spouted by the right.

How much I love what Estrogen has done and is doing to me.

How much I love my chosen queer family.

How frustrating my ADHA has become.

Pleasant Night Thoughts

I’ve had enough with being angry and raising my blood pressure so something pleasant for tonight. The Occupy Wall Street movement is spreading, even unto Bakersfield and if the Occupy movement has reached hartland palces like Bakersfield it's spreading it's roots deeply indeed. The movement has been successful enough to seriously wory a Republican congressman. I find all this very hopeful, yes I know the Occupy Wall Street movement has it's flaws but it's evolving in the right direction. Real change always comes from below not from the top, this is real change we can believe in.

This Makes Me Angry

Take a look at this ultra-misogynist t-shirt. This is the sort of crap that pisses me off. It is such a perfect example of rape culture, de-humanization of sex workers  and general misogyny. It actualy pissed me off enough to write the following letter to them,

Real congratulations on having one of the most offensive t-shirt designs ever. Your 'If you have sex with a prostitute without her consent is it rape or shoplifting' shirt manages to trivialize rape and sexual violence and dehumanize sex workers all in one offensive package. Way to go fuckwads.

I know I should be polite to get my point across but that is hard to do when I'm this angry. That shirt showes you as the hateful misogynist cowards that you are. I don't think you'll have the good graces to actually stop selling that piece of crap shirt and even fake apologize but one can always hope.

I would like to encourage what few readers I have to send their own letter of comment to these jerkwads at info@1stoptshirtshop.co.uk.

A Very Late Friday Random Thirteen

A trip through my mind via the random songs thrown up by iTunes in shuffle mode.

The Sea King by Hawkwind
Departure by The Moody Blues
Catch My Fall by Billy Idol
Coming Back To Me by Jefferson Airplane
A View To A Kill by Duran Duran
The Hell Of It by Paul Williams
Back In Business by AC/DC
TVC 15 by David Bowie
I’m Coming Home by The Deviants
Angel by Iggy Pop
N.S.U. by Cream
The Apparition by Iron Maiden
Drowning Man by Duran Duran