Meh

Really that’s all I’ve got to say.

I notice that all the ‘responsible’ types are warning that we queers should be careful, we mustn’t get too uppity with our demonstrations. We must be polite and not upset anybody. Well fuck that, power never yields anything unless challenged. So get out there and demonstrate, boycott, write letters, blockade churches and just generally get in their faces.

As for me it’s over really, I haven’t got much time left. I’m the dead past, cast me off and create your own future. Bury the hatred and bigotry, bury it alive if need be and create the lives you deserve.

Now excuse me as I toast the past and seal my fate forever

Be Loud, Be Proud

Go to Join The Impact and find out where your local protest for marriage rights is and get out there today. A message from Slash & Perla follows;

A Return Journey To The Center Of My Mind

The weariness that seems ready to overwhelm me is in large part my own creation. I know how to take care of myself, how to organize my time but I don’t do it. I ask myself why? Let’s explore this shall we?

Even as I type this I should be sleeping so why keep typing? I part writing has it’s own dynamic but also I have a self-destructive streak that predates my currently in remission depression. I am also quit lazy, but is that part of the self-destructive streak or a separate problem? Hmm, good question that, now do I have a good answer? I think they are intertwined, feeding each other and now overlaid with the ongoing depression. The feed off it and are fed by it, ah the complexity of the mind and life in general. Of course this is all intertwined with my gender queerness and the long suppression of same. So would taking the next steps and starting hormones coming out to the world in general solve these problems? Probably not but it would very probably start to tease lose the various intertwined strands.

Shadows of the Moon

White moonlight gives black shadows
Shadows like black blood on the gray skin of the Earth

A Burning Time

As I’ve mentioned the Phoenix legend fascinates me, to cones your self in fire and rise again reborn. But I’m also fascinated by fire in general; it’s purifying, destructive and trans formative power. Now the theocrats would love to see queers burn quite literally, but to the fire they send us and from the fire we shall return reborn.



We will walk through the fire and let it burn. We will return with the passionate fire and make your world burn so our world can rise from the ashes.

Bah Humbug

I hate this time of year I truly do. From November to January has brought nothing but pain and misery or the last twenty-nine years at least. I have had loved ones diagnosed with or die from cancer, I have been in auto accidents, I have nearly destroyed my marriage multiple times. I’m having a depressive episode even as I type, flying into rages and entertaining suicidal thoughts. The dark days seem to bring out the darkness in me. I want little or nothing to do with the world. Winter is for hibernating.

To make matters worse this year one of my sort of in laws is a dedicated Mormon. It’s going to be very hard to keep quite when all I want to do is rail at her and her miserable church to fuck off and die. Going to be a miserable Christmas.

W00T! (2)

1000 unique page views! It's been eleven month getting here but well worth it Enough self-congratulations,back to regular (?) blogging soon

A Random Journey To The Center Of My Mind

I’m too tired and too angry and too anxious for a coherent post so back into the inner dark. Clive Barker is one of my favorite writers/artists. Among his creations the Cenobites, Theologians of the Order of the Gash, are the most alluring to me. I so understand the pain/pleasure nexus they work from. To answer a unasked question I would solve the Lemarchand Configuration knowing exactly what would happen to me. I do want to explore the extremes of pain and pleasure and the ragged edge were they can merge and overlap. I am also fascinated by Barker’s concept of flesh as art through extreme reconfigurations of flesh. This crosses with my own desire for bodily modification to become the androgynous creature of my dreams. In may darker dreams I am an androgynous nightmare. Perhaps this is all the result of the fact that so much of society sees gender variant people as monsters. Perhaps it is that being an outsider I have always found the outsider/monster a sympathetic figure. Whatever the source the archetype of being a technological Phoenix arising from the fire of the destruction of my old life calls to me.

A Gender Queer Trans-Woman With A Hart Full Of Hate

This editorial in The Los Angeles Times pissed me off enough that I can’t respond rationally right now. Not even six hours latter. It brought out the dark nihilist side of my personality. The one that wants to shove a bomb up everyone’s ass;

Friday Random Ten, Evening Edition

Kozmic Blues – Janis Joplin
Pretty Maids All In A Row – The Eagles
Live And Learn – Clannad
Muscle of Love – Alice Cooper
The Under Tree World Of Jacques Cousteau – Bob Rivers
All Along The Water – Duran Duran
Don’t Go Away Mad (Just Go Away) – Mötley Crüe
All The Love In The World – Nine Inch Nails
Dread And The Fugitive Mind – Megadeth
Down To The Sea – Robert Plant