Sunday, April 29, 2012

Day 25 Of The Gender Queer Challenge

Maybe I should change the title of these posts to Item instead of Day. Anyway here is question twenty-five, Your first queer crush or relationship.

My first queer relationship was my first lover. At the time I still thought I was male and so was my lover.

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Day 24 Of The Gender Queer Challenge.

Well I've totally blown the one a day goal for these posts because of travel so let's see if we can finish this off today. Next up is question twenty-four, How has your relationship with the cisgender people in your life changed?

With my S.O. it has been major and we are still working through these issues. With a former lover the changes were minor because he had always seen my femme aspect. Most other cis people in my life have no idea I'm transtioning.  It's not that I hide it's that I don't advertise it. Being old I don't show that much change even though I've been on Estrogen for almost two years. As due to my domestic situtaion I will probably never change my legal name or gender marker I will probably always be read as male. On the other hand as I dress more and more femme and use my chosen name whenever possible I do tend to confuse some people quite a bit.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Day 23 Of The Gender Queer Challenge

As we wind this down we hit question twenty-three,Do you feel comfortable answering questions about your gender to friends? Acquaintances? Strangers?

Weel as most of my friends are fellow trans people I have no trouble at all talking to them at all. As for acquaintances and strangers, it's never come up so I don't have any idea how comfortable I would be answering questions about my gender. I hope if it ever does come up I can answer honestly however uncomfortable it may make me.

Day 22 Of The Gender Queer Challenge

We are nearing the end of what has proved a very interesting challenge. It has taught me much about myself be making me think about being gender queer. With out further ado question twenty-two, What is your sexual and romantic orientations? Are they affected by your gender?

My sexual and romantic orientation is pansexual. I can be sexualy or romantic lay attracted to men, women and those like me who are something else. This was quite true before I realized my gender queer nature and has not changed since. I find that I can be attracted by both good looks and personality. I have become involved with people online well before I ever met them.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Day 21 Of The Gender Queer Challenge

May but we are getting close to the end of the Gender Queer challenge. The twenty-first question is, How has your relationship with yourself been affected since you realized you were Genderqueer?

Oh my, my I'm not sure even where to begin. I had so deeply buried the part of me that was gender queer that it was a blinding revelation when the denial finally broke. I realized I didn't really know myself at all. As a result I went into therapy and have been at it ever since. I am much more comfortable in my own skin now.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Day 20 Of The Gender Queer Challenge

And I'm finally caught up. The twentieth question is, Have you faced any problems or gone through any changes regarding religion?

I can honestly say no. I have no religion myself and most of the religious people I know are all trans* or gender queer. Since I still present as male for the most part the religious people I know who are cis*have never commented on my being trans so no problems. I've been lucky this way so far.

Friday, April 20, 2012

Day 19 Of The Gender Queer Challenge

Yay me! I just caught up with my schedule of posts. Now on to the nineteenth question, What terms in the cisgender, GSM, or trans* community are problematic?

Well things like tray, she-male, trap and he/she leap immediately to mind. I wish I could say these slurs where only used by straight cis people but far too many are used by cis gays and lesbians. Misgendering is very problematic and unfortunately happens even in the trans* community with transsexual separatists delibertly misgendering any one who doesn't meet their criteria for a 'true' transsexual.

Day 18 Of The Gender Queer Challenge

No time to lose so on to question eighteen, How does your gender factor in to your future plans?

No there is a good question. In some ways not at all, we're moving but our relationship won't change. On the other hand I do want to get involved in gender queer and transgender activisim where I'm moving because I see a need for it.  On yet another level my gender factors into everything I do and all my future plans just not always as the dominent factor.

Day 17 Of The Gender Queer Challenge (sort of)

Oops! I seem to be a bit behind schedule. Time to play catch up. The seventeenth question is How do you, or would you, deal with being misgendered?

Weel I'm misgendered all the time. This is not surprising as I still present as male, something about male pattern baldness seems to triger a 'male' gendering. As it is while I may cringe inwardly every time I'm called sir I don't feel I can correct them yet. Latter when I'm a stone femme in a good wig I will be rather testy if I'm misagendered. At that point I will deliver a rather firm correction.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Day 16 Of The Gender Queer Challenge

Another day, another question. Name some media you connect with queerly

That would primarily be Blogger, hence this blog, and Twitter. I use Twitter to stay in contact with my trans and gender queer friends and. acquaintances.  

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Day 15 Of The Gender Queer Challenge

Catching up to date her is the fifteenth day Gender Queer challenge; How do you deal with gendered things? Clothes shopping, bathrooms, forms, etc.

That depends, I still present as male so despite a growing sense of unease I still use male bathrooms. I much prefer gender neutral bathrooms and probably always will.

I hate forms with a gender check box. They almost never have a 'none of the above' option and at the same time make it mandatory to answer the damn question. If I have to answer I will usually answer female unless it's for work and the I will answer male. I don't understand why the gender markers on forms are even necessary at all.

Clothes are not a problem, I both buy online and in person. I pick what interests me at the moment rather male or female style.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Day 14 Of The Gender Queer Challenge

A day late but here is day fourteen of the Gender Queer challenge; Are you part of the Gender and Sexuality Minority community?

In a word yes, to be a bit more specific I'm a member and sometimes staff of Gender Queer Revolution. I am hoping to expand this to setting up and running a chapter in Santa Fe when I move there.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Day 13 Of The Gender Queer Challenge

Gasp it's Saturday the thirteenth! Wait, no it isn't but it is day thirteen of the Gender Queer Challenge. Today's question is; How has your family taken it or how might they take it?

Well my S.O. did not take my coming out at all well. We are still working out what me being gender queer means to our relationship. Most of the rest of my family are dead and I haven't come out to the rest of them. I truly have no idea how they wood react.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Day 12 Of The Gender Queer Challenge

For day twelve the question is Discuss your relationship with the term transgender.

A bit problamatic, I identified as androgynous and gender queer before I added transgender to the mix. What changed was the growing realization that my femme side was predominate.

I still have doubts that I'm really transgender or maybe not transgender enough. Part of my problem is that I am gender fluid, my femme side is not always predominate. But my femme side is the dominate side most of the time. Given that I'm taking Estrogen now I'd say that I'm truly a trans woman, a gender queer woman but a trans woman nonetheless.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Day 11 Of The Gender Queer Challenge

My, my day eleven and a interesting question, Your first experience with a GSM organization or event.

My first experience grew from my online questioning and looking for information on transgender and gender queer identities. One of the online discussion groups was Gender Queer Revolution. After a while they started a series of Coffe Chats. I found acceptance and support in theses meetings. I am still gratefully beyond measure for them.

Day 10 Of The Gender Queer Challenge

W00T! We are a third of the way through with the tenth question,Are you taking any steps to physically transition?

Oh yes indeedy I am. I'm taking two 100mg Spironolactone to suppress Testosterone production and I wear a Climara patch delivering 0.1mg of Estradiol a day. All this has delivered very satisfactory results so far.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Day 9 Of The Gender Queer Challenge

I'm running out of ways to say this but it's another day in the Gender Queer challenge. The question today is What have you done or plan to do to socially transition? Pronouns, name, coming out, etc.?

Interestiningly I came up with my chosen name, Natasha, before I had admitted to myself that I was gender queer. I set up a Yahoo mail account to get technical support answers while out at a clients and picked the name Natasha Yar on what I thought was a whim. It was apparently my subconscious telling me something as that email account eventually led me to the discussion group that finally triggered my self realization.

As for being out that depends on the setting. I am not out at work at all. I am out to my S.O. But she does not except me as a woman but does crept that I have a strong femme side. I am totally out to my queer friends and will often use my chosen name socially and public settings.

I don't have that much femminine clothing but I do wear that out when the mood takes me. I
Refer gender neutral pronouns and use them when I can. Where I have to chose I will use femminine pronouns.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Day 8 Of The Gender Queer Challenge

Well, another day, another question An unpopular or unsure opinion about the GSM community.

I'm embarrassed to admit I had to look up what GSM meant. So about the Gender and Sexual Minority community, I'm unsure why so many in the GSM community seem so eager to replicate the class and race devision of the cis white male dominated straight community in the GSM community.

Rich white cis gay men dominate and run roughshod over the GSM community the same way their straight counterparts do over scociety at large. Because the rich white cis men who run the HRC, among other organizations, want marriage privilege for themselves this becomes the major fight. Meanwhile measures that mean life and death to the gender part of the GSM community are ignored or sidetracked. Measures that mean life or death to the poor in the sexual part of the GSM community are likewise ignored or sidetracked.

I suppose what it comes down to is that the cis gay men who dominate the HRC and the such are just another part of the 1%.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Day 7 Of The Gender Queer Challenge

Wow a whole week gone! Question seven is What are your favorite physical features of yourself?

Well, I've always liked my legs, I do a lot of walking so they've always been in good shape. I also like my eyes. They are hazel with decent lashes that I'm quite good at fluttering. My newest feature that I love are my boobs. Eighteen months of Estrogen and Spiro have given me a fairly nice pair.

The rst of me is a mess at the moment but there are many changes to come

Day 6 Of The Gender Queer Challenge

Moving on today's question isWhen did you realize you were Genderqueer?

Well, that happened about 12 years ago and all because of the web comic  Venus Envy. In reading the emails in the Yahoo group devoted to Venus Envy I came across a little allegory of pirates and ninjas and how Zorro combined a bit of both with a dash of style. I knew there was a reason I always loved Zorro. That post lead me to the Androgyne discussion group and the light bulb going on effect of self recognition. I knew then I was Gender Queer though I didn't actually come across that term for several more months.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Late Night Thoughts Rattling Around My Mind

Listing to Glen Fry's the Smuggler's Blues and thinking how drug prohibition was driven more by bureaucratic power grabbing then any actual science. Harry J. Anslinger was worried he would be out of a job with the end of alcohol prohibition so he ginned up a 'drug crises' to give himself job security and grab some more power. Nixon crated the war on drugs for much the same reason. Government policy has always been driven by greed and corruption as much as anything else. That's the main reason I'm an anarchist.

Speaking of greed and corruption things aren't looking too good for organized religion of any stripe right now. In fact the mask seems to have slipped badly revealing a sordid reality that makes a Mafia crime family look benign by comparison.

Me I think I'm riding an Estrogen high right now so I think I'll sign off for the night.

Day 5 Of The Gender Queer Challenge

Ah we are marching on aren't we? Well, here is question five, Dysphoria and how you manage it.

This is a bit harder than it may seem for me to answer. In some ways I do have body dysphoria in other ways I don't. The image I have in my head varies but mostly is that of a femme intersex body with muscles.  Very far away form the way I look or am ever likely to look.

Now that I think of it my dysphoria is one of the drivers of my depression, not at all unusual among trans people. No wonder I tend to sleep away the day.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Day 4 Of The Gender Queer Challenge

For the fourth day Gender Queer challenge the question is Name some queer heroes, influences, or crushes.

Well this ones easy as my number one hero, influence and crush is all wraped up in the same person, Alaxander Yoo creator of GenderQueer Revolution. Really without Alexander's help I wouldn't have gotten through to this point. Then there is the very wise Rabbi Levi Alter who taught this atheist much about the high esteem trans people are held in the bible and other such unknown bits of trans history. Of course there's Auntie Kate Bornstein hero and inspiration to us all. Genesis P-Orridge who's still pushing the artistic frontiers. Then there's MX Justin Viviane Bond who has given me my new favorite gender pronoun, Mx. Just call Mx Natasha Yar-Routh. There's Venus De Mars the brilliant leader of the hard rock group All The Pretty Horses. Finally last but certainly not least there were the fabulous Cockettes , a troop of performance artists who first opened my eyes to the wonderful posibilities of Gender Queer.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Day 3 of the 30 Day Gender Queer Challenge

Todays question is 'What’s your favorite ways of upsetting gender roles / genderbending / genderfucking?'

Good question seeing as I don't get to do too much genderfucking myself. I suppose just using my proffered name, Natasha, while looking so depresingly male. Then again I also like to mix and match clothes. Wearing a very feme top with boy jeans and lovely wedge sandals.

Small stuff I know but it's what I can do with what I've got. As Estrogen continues to reshape my body I hope to do ever so much more. Suggestions gratefully taken.

I Don't Do Mornings

I really don't, I just can't get going at all. I much prefer afternoon's and night time. I detest morning people because this just won't leave you alone. Then there's their incessant nattering about missing the 'best part of the day', ugh. I do think I'm going to adopt Wrren Ellis's rule, if I've been up less then two hours it's still morning no matter what the clock says.

Freedom (sort of)

I'm sure you've noticed how much the religious right and their allies go on about our attack on their freedoms. The freedoms under attack are their freedom to bully and coarce other people. They hate that they might be forced to follow the rules that everyone else does.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Day 2 Of The Gender Queer Chalange

Today's question is how did you grow up with your gender?

As a young child through the start of junior high school, now known as middle school. I played with dolls and space ships, was at home playing girls games as boys games and apparently had some quite feminine mannerisms. Those same mannerisms lead to teasing and mild bullying in junior high. My reaction, unfortunately, was to bury all feminine aspects of myself quite deep. So deep in fact that they took 40 years to really break through again.

On Shaky Ground

I do live on shaky ground. No not financially, since we sold my arents old place we are very well off. While my SO and I have had to make adjustments as I've transitioned we still seem to be pretty solid. Nor is our house on the sort of hillside that might suddenly move to another zip code, it's foundations are sunk into granite.

The problem is that granite is within easy walking distance to the San Andreas fault and sits over three subsidiary faults. The last time out section of the the San Andreas ruptured was the Fort Tejon earthquake of 1857. At a 155 years we are a bit overdue for another major quake around here. So yeah I live on some potentially very shaky ground.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Natasha The Lucky

Not quite as catchy as Leif the Lucky but equally true. I was lucky to meet and become friends with a community activist just as I was admitting who I really was. My fiend was also just setting up a support group up for gender queer people which did much to help me through the early days of my coming out. he helped me find a trans friendly therapist and trans specific health care. All of whom believed in agency and did not make me jump through hoops to access the medical services I needed.

So yes I have been incredibly lucky to have avoided the gatekeepers that so many of my online friends have had to put up with. Many of these gatekeepers are petty tyrants who just want to keep the trans people they deal with under their thumb. Others are well meaning but so hopelessly cis sexist and hetronormative that they do more harm then good. Yet others are just clueless beaurocrats who are just going through the motions and following outdated policy. Basically the gatekeeper model is a broken system that needs to be totally replaced. I am damn luck to have avoided ever having to deal with it.

Abuse

One of my favorite TV shows is Once Upon A Time. On the last episode we found out that Regina, the Evil Queen was started down her dark path thanks to a very abusive mother. As both my SO and best friend were subjected to abuse to greater or lesser degree by their parents this theme resonated with me.

The worst case of abuse I have heard of lately is that of an 11 year old trans girl who, thanks to the Berlin court system, will soon be subjecthttp://scallywagandvagabond.com/2012/03/german-courts-rule-that-an-eleven-year-old-german-transgender-girl-can-legally-be-institutionalized/ed to 'therapy' to 'correct' her gender. In other words she will be subjected to psychological and quite possibly physical torture until she acts the way her father and her torturers want her to act. this monstrous act will of course be performed 'for her own good.' I would all of my readers to please sign this petition to try to stop this evil act.

The 30 Day Gender Queer Challenge

OK so there's a 30 day Gender Queer challenge is there? Well, I'll take that challenge.

The first day's challenge is 'Do you use any other terms to define or explain your gender?'

Yes, I do, both androrogyne and gender fluid. Androgyne because though I'm more female then male I am still a mixture of both. If I could I would present as an androgynous femme person. Gender fluid because where I am in the gender cloud varies from day to day. I may be a stone femme woman one day, a butch androgyne the next. My gender is complex and I'm having great fun exploring it.

Why I Hate Admiral Ackbar

I thought I knew all the insulting terms for trans women but I just learned a new one, trap. As in 'it's a trap' the line uttered by that overgrown salamander Admiral Ackbar when the Imperial Fleet emerges from the far side of Endor in 'Return Of The Jedi'. It seems the hate and bigot brigade thinks we trans women are just trying to trap the poor menz and drain their precious bodily fluids from them.

Well guess what we aren't trying to trap anyone, we just want companionship and if lucky maybe love like any other human being. It seems some men just can't Handel the fact that a woman they find attractive may have a trans history the poor dears, their egos are such fragil things. Unfortunately they often resort to violence and we end up beaten or dead.

So fuck you Admiral Ackbar, I'm sorry Adimral Piett didn't blow your damned ship to atoms. Lon Live the Empire!

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Good Night

Night in the mountains is above all quite, much easier to sleep then in the city. It's also drier and even though that means I use more lotion I don't break out the way I do down on the coast.

Good night and sleep well all.